I’m doing the opposite of what everyone has told me to do. I’m saying goodbye because I respect you more to say goodbye than to just block you without any notice. I’ve come to the acceptance that I’ll never hear your voice, see you, or speak to you again.
You have no idea how many times I’ve deleted you, changed your name, and changed it back all because I can’t bare the thought of not having you there. It’s been months since we’ve broken up. More since we’ve seen each other and it hurts just the same to think of you.
You are the first person I have loved in 4 years. I never even wanted that. I fought myself time, and time again to not fall for you, but I did. Even while we were together, the past plagued me with fear of getting hurt all over again. I pushed you away and pulled you back. The second I allowed myself to put my wall down completely was when I felt that ultimate betrayal l feared so much. It took me so long to clean my heart and now you’ve stained it again. It will take me longer to recover from the second fall than it did from the first.
Do you know how toxic it is for me to have you in my life? Do you know how difficult it is for me to be cold to you? I do not do it because I feel negatively toward you. The opposite. I do it because I never stopped feeling everything for you. I’ve tried everything to let it go but as long as I still have the glimmer of hope when I see your name, I know I’ll never recover. I cried so hard the last time we saw each other because deep down, I knew it would be the last time. I absolutely meant it when I said I fell in love with you. And I meant it more when I said I always will.
We will never be friends. I will never be able to look at you and not want to be with you. I can never unsee the future I envisioned for us. I know that you will have another woman, if you don’t already. I will never be able to look at the two of you and feel genuine happiness for the couple. I will always selfishly wish it was me. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you the happiness or joy that it would’ve taken to keep you. I could’ve offered more, but I purposely didn’t. I would’ve supported you in everything you did and every decision you made. I would’ve made you a proud girlfriend and one day, so much more. But I never let it get to that point. And neither did you. I accept you probably never felt as strongly as I do with how quickly you were willing to seek new companionship. I blame myself for not being the type of girl that deserved your loyalty.
I wish things were different. I wish I didn’t feel this way. You are my second true love. And my second biggest heartbreak. Everything I feel for you is true. Everything I’ve ever expressed is 100%. I have been loyal to you since you left. I have prayed for you many many nights even after our relationship ended and often times, my wishes on shooting stars have been for your happiness. But this is me finally accepting that it’s over and I am moving on. Unfortunately, that means to leave you altogether. I still have many questions but I accept that they will never be answered. I wish you the purest of happiness. I wish you much success. And I wish you one day feel for someone the absolute dedication and love I feel for you.
Take care forever and always, Joseph.