Unsent Letters Pt 2. – Final Goodbye.

I’m doing the opposite of what everyone has told me to do. I’m saying goodbye because I respect you more to say goodbye than to just block you without any notice. I’ve come to the acceptance that I’ll never hear your voice, see you, or speak to you again.

You have no idea how many times I’ve deleted you, changed your name, and changed it back all because I can’t bare the thought of not having you there. It’s been months since we’ve broken up. More since we’ve seen each other and it hurts just the same to think of you.

You are the first person I have loved in 4 years. I never even wanted that. I fought myself time, and time again to not fall for you, but I did. Even while we were together, the past plagued me with fear of getting hurt all over again. I pushed you away and pulled you back. The second I allowed myself to put my wall down completely was when I felt that ultimate betrayal l feared so much. It took me so long to clean my heart and now you’ve stained it again. It will take me longer to recover from the second fall than it did from the first.

Do you know how toxic it is for me to have you in my life? Do you know how difficult it is for me to be cold to you? I do not do it because I feel negatively toward you. The opposite. I do it because I never stopped feeling everything for you. I’ve tried everything to let it go but as long as I still have the glimmer of hope when I see your name, I know I’ll never recover. I cried so hard the last time we saw each other because deep down, I knew it would be the last time. I absolutely meant it when I said I fell in love with you. And I meant it more when I said I always will.

We will never be friends. I will never be able to look at you and not want to be with you. I can never unsee the future I envisioned for us. I know that you will have another woman, if you don’t already. I will never be able to look at the two of you and feel genuine happiness for the couple. I will always selfishly wish it was me. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you the happiness or joy that it would’ve taken to keep you. I could’ve offered more, but I purposely didn’t. I would’ve supported you in everything you did and every decision you made. I would’ve made you a proud girlfriend and one day, so much more. But I never let it get to that point. And neither did you. I accept you probably never felt as strongly as I do with how quickly you were willing to seek new companionship. I blame myself for not being the type of girl that deserved your loyalty.

I wish things were different. I wish I didn’t feel this way. You are my second true love. And my second biggest heartbreak. Everything I feel for you is true. Everything I’ve ever expressed is 100%. I have been loyal to you since you left. I have prayed for you many many nights even after our relationship ended and often times, my wishes on shooting stars have been for your happiness. But this is me finally accepting that it’s over and I am moving on. Unfortunately, that means to leave you altogether. I still have many questions but I accept that they will never be answered. I wish you the purest of happiness. I wish you much success. And I wish you one day feel for someone the absolute dedication and love I feel for you.

Take care forever and always, Joseph.

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Unsent letters to the past. June 17, 2014

My heart physically hurts. Like a sharp pain. Often I’ve wondered if I will be dying of heart failure at an early age. I can’t believe I’m here again…

I feared a long distance relationship as much as you did. But I thought this one would be different. You weren’t a womanizer. You actually loved me. And I thought that the love we created would be so much stronger. It’s been 2 months. The POF page has nothing to do whether you want a long distance relationship or not. It’s more so how quickly you were willing to replace me.

I can’t imagine my life without you now. I’ve out loud declared how in love with you I am. You’ve reciprocated. I would understand if you needed time a part to explore the city and get accustomed to your new home. But, I will be there soon. I have a job waiting for me. A roommate. This long distance was temporary. Are you willing to throw it all away so quickly? The amount of arguments we’ve had in the past year don’t override the “I love you’s” and “I miss you’s.” The laughs, the hugs, and the trust that we’ve built as we opened up to each other.

But it doesn’t make sense… You are 3,000 miles away, as you mention so often, why not just end it as opposed to “have options” on the side? You recently have mentioned your feared of me moving on without you. Why emphasize your fear of cheating if you are one foot out the door?

My loyalty to you is unlike any other. I care for you. I pray for you. I would do anything to get you to where you need to be to see you happy. More so than I do for myself. I guess that’s where the problem lies. I love you more than I love myself…

New Year, new goals

From my July post to today, I am a completely different person.

Like usual, I successfully completed my list. Well, for the most part. Let’s go over it now:

1. Quit smoking – YAY!!!
2. Quit swearing – Limited by A LOT
3. Limit drinking – Yeah. I did. Months without drinking! 0 black outs this year!
4. Quit gluten – My worst enemy. Pizza is my passion.
5. Limit cellphone use – After the break up, I used it a lot. But I cut off social media and it helped a lot to not obsess over it. Life it better.
6. Reach desired weight. (10 more lbs) I reached 2014 weight! Now it’s 2015 weight goals!
7. Move to California. – I FUCKING DID IT! (oops! So much for limiting) BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENT OF MY LIFE
8. Complete 5 things on bucket list – COMPLETED 10
9. Focus on school – Totally quit school, so much for that.
10. Clean out storage (I’ve inherited my mothers hoarding. I need to end it) – I sold and tossed everything before moving out! Came with nothing but dreams and prayers.

2015 list of resolutions:

1. Find a career. No more job hoping and retail (unless it’s part time). Time for me to get a job and actually work hard in it. Promotions, salary, rewards. Just like the good ole days.

2. Make new friends. Which sounds weird but I’m in a new city all alone. I’ve already made a few but I need to build up my San Diego roster. Can’t rely on 2-3. Need options.

3. Visit Vegas. It’s only 4 hours away and I have friends there. No reason for me not to go.

4. Explore LA. That’s only 2 hours away. Get my car and hit the road!

5. DO NOT fall in love. Don’t. You don’t need it.

6. Stable income. Just as long as I’m not struggling every month to pay my rent, it will be a successful year.

7. 10 more lbs. Once I hit 125 on the scale, I know I’ll be ok.

8. Surf. It’s on the bucket list. It’s on the life list. You’re in California. Just do it.

9. Rock climb. Once again, location location.

10. Love life and yourself. I’m making moves and I’m doing it on my own. I know the only thing stopping me from enjoying it is me.

Moving on

It’s been a month already since we broke up. 3 since he moved to the other side of the country. Why can’t I let him go? I dream of him every night and every night it’s the same.

“I love you and I miss you”

he tells me. My scumbag brain tells me there is still hope but I know there isn’t. I may move to Los Angeles in 4 months but that doesn’t mean anything will happen. I’m trying to let go of any expectations but my heart can’t seem to shake that he may be my true love. He’s not. At least, that’s what I have to keep telling myself to stop this heartache. It would be so much easier to move on if we ended on bad terms or he cheated but we didn’t, and he didn’t. Not to my knowledge at least. It ended because the distance is too much. My fear of history repeating itself was too much. His dreams and goals for himself were bigger than anything he had yet envisioned with me.
I still have the last text I received from him post break up. “I love you and I always will”. Was it true love? Is it true love? If this was a movie, I would know that within the next 45 minutes, approximately 4 months in movie world, that we will both come to some realization that we mean more to each other than we thought and we find ourselves again at the beginning. Falling in love. Unless this was a Matthew McConaughey movie. Then he would be on a flight back here to take me with him.
This is my first break up in years and it is hitting me harder than I expected. I knew it would hurt once I started dating again but I didn’t think it would be like this. He was different. We were different. I never hid who I was from him. And he revealed a lot to me. He saw my ugly cry. I saw his ugly anger. But with a hug and a kiss, it was us again.
I could blame my past for installing such fear in me. I can blame him for never giving me the security I had hoped for. But it will always come back to myself. For allowing others to control my happiness. That saying is absolutely true: you cannot be happy with anyone else until you are happy with yourself.

Old and new resolutions

So it’s already 2014. Let’s see how last year’s resolutions went:

1. Read a book once a month: I completed 4 books this year but have book marks in 7 more. Completing 4 is better than nothing.

2. Visit 5 places I have never been: accomplished!

3. Get in shape: accomplished! Although not yet at my desired weight, I lost 15 lbs throughout the year and the gym has become a sanctuary.

4. Learn Thai: fail. Didn’t even try.

5. Move Away: no but soon. 2014 is my year.

6. Find a new job: accomplished!

7. Go back to school: accomplished!

8. Learn to control emotions: so far so good!

9. Remove bad influences: there will always be bad apples in the group but I did remove the worst. I consider this a success.

10. Find happiness: I did. And love. And thanks to his inspiration I was able to accomplish most of this list. It’s funny how complete strangers can change your life.

2014 resolutions:

1. Quit smoking
2. Quit swearing
3. Limit drinking
4. Quit gluten
5. Limit cellphone use
6. Reach desired weight. (10 more lbs)
7. Move to California.
8. Complete 5 things on bucket list
9. Focus on school
10. Clean out storage (I’ve inherited my mothers hoarding. I need to end it)

Last year I did great! Here’s to an amazing year!

No more caring

So, I’ve always lived by the Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have done to you. Ok. That’s nice. And I always say that I will be there for my friends and family even if they aren’t there for me because when i die, I want people to remember me as a good person. But now, no one notices the goodness? No one cares. Now I’m just being nosey? If it doesn’t convenience them then I’m not helping in any way. Awesome. Well guess what? Fuck everyone. I’m not worrying about your problems anymore. I’m not getting up at 12am to drive 1.5 hours to Baltimore to pick you up because no one else will answer their phone. I won’t be there at 3am to listen to you cry because you miss your ex. You want to call me a bitch after everything I’ve done? Then I will be the bitch. To everyone. Because obviously being the good guy got me no where. Time to wreck havoc on this town before I leave.

Don’t show you’re crazy.

I have a huge problem with trusting people. Most of the time, I stay quiet and listen to peoples problems and give advice. They say they are there for me the same but I know that’s not true. No one understands my thoughts. And if I do open up, and start sharing what I’m thinking, I say too much. I’m crazy.

I wish I was happy. I really do. Yesterday is in the past, it’s true, but it haunts me. How can I stop from being scared? Every time something good happens in my life, I grow wary. Good things don’t happen to me. Something is up. Something is always up.

Because of this, I do a lot of self sabotaging. I push a lot of people away. I feel myself doing it, and a lot of times I can’t stop. I’m just scared of getting comfortable with the happiness and it hurting more when it DOES go wrong.

Gosh. It sounds terrible when I read it out loud but it’s true. I’m scared of being alone. No one will ever accept me anymore. I wasn’t like this. I was always very confident and happy. And sometimes, I still am. It shows. But then the nerves kick in. I hate texting. Then something happens and my emotions begin to show, I can’t take it back. And the message is there to remind me constantly how I don’t have it together.

My friends that have known me for years know I’m a good person. They know I’m not like this and that’s why I have so many friends that I’ve kept for years. They know that I get in moods and sometimes, we just need time a part and I am back as new when we reconnect. That doesn’t work in relationships. I wonder if I’ll ever meet someone that can tolerate, or better yet! Help me when it happens. I believe love has enormous healing powers. And the right love can cure all. I can only hope to find a love one day that eases my nerves and vanishes my fears.

Sigh. I write way too much about relationships and lack there of. I feel pathetic writing about it in an anonymous blog. How am I supposed to open up to anyone in person. Everyone would tell me to man up and move on. I wish. I WISH!!! I can already feel people being annoyed with me before I even start my story. I get annoyed with me when I think about things. Ive just never been alone for so long. My Ex’s words that I’ll never be desired are feeling all too real. Maybe it’s my location and the reminder of all the bad? I hope that moving to the complete other side of the country will help me grow up. I need it. I’ll be absolutely alone but at least I can start new. No one knows me there. I can create a new identity. If I go. We will see. Off to pop some anti depressants. At least they keep me numb.

Clean slate

This morning I decided I was going to start over with everyone I was confused about or angry with. I’m tired of trying to figure things out like some kind of riddle. Maybe it was my own thoughts complicating things? Let us start over. No more questioning what was. Let’s just focus on what will be and what we are.

Some people were very happy. Others seemed confused. One friend I was very confused about responded with “But I care about you. A lot.” The reason I wanted to start over with him is because I care about him too. As a friend and more than a friend and the constant questioning of if he feels the same or not was nagging me. Then he response with that. For a second, I almost fell back to the questioning but I decided to be selfish and cut it. “Our friendship is what we make of it from today moving forward… Forget everything. The past is behind us.” I didn’t mean to come off sounding cold and careless. I don’t regret the intimate times but they did distract me. If in the future he wants to pursue something more, he will need to be up front about it cuz I’m putting this puzzle away.

Another person was so very relieved when I told her. I had stopped speaking to her several weeks ago but she always attempted to talk to me. Even when I told her directly what bothered me, she acted as if she didn’t know what my problem was and continued on as though there never on e one. Neither an apology nor even so much as acknowledgment that I had mentioned a problem. I figured, it takes so much more effort to ignore the child than to accept the fact that she is a dim bulb. Apologies don’t come easy to either one of us but I decided to be the bigger person for my sanity and everyone else’s.

I’ve also made up with my sister. We hadn’t spoken since May. She was completely out of the loop. Unaware that I started going back to school, losing my job, hospitalizations, everything. I missed her. We don’t have a strong relationship but she is my sister. My blood. I’m not close with my family but it hurts when they are not around. I remember the days we did love each other and I cherish them deeply. As I get older, I realize how meaningless our arguments are. Love and family are so much more important. They are a part of me and any future children I may wish to have.

Here’s to new beginnings and brighter and happier futures.

Needing escape

Friday night. Mom and dad are fighting. I feel like I’m 13 again. Locked in my room as my parents yell at each other, threatening divorce, calling my name to get involved and pick sides. I’m 26 years old. Weeks away from turning 27 and I feel 10 years behind. Why don’t I have a family that will help me grow? Now that I’m estranged from my sister, I can’t call her to vent. I haven’t spoken to her since our fight back in May.

My mom mentioned his mistress. They’re talking about the son my father had with her. I’ve never met him. I’ve never told anyone about him. Supposedly, he’s 12 years old. 1month older than my oldest nephew. I don’t want to get to know him. Sure, it’s not his fault but still. What do I have to talk to this kid about? Our dad? I don’t talk about my father with my REAL siblings. Shall we discuss how his mother ruined my family? I guess I shouldn’t blame her completely. It’s hard to remember a time when we were ever actually happy.

Once I move, I doubt I’ll come back. I tell people that I’m scared of leaving home and missing the family but the truth is, I know that once I leave, I won’t see them again unless they come out to see me which is unlikely. When i was 18, I got my first apartment alone. No roommates. I’ve never had roommates, actually. (Well, unless you count a husband that never moved out of his mothers house. He took nothing but some old t-shirts the day he moved out.) While I lived on my own, my family visited me once. We had breakfast. They complained about the lack of channels on my TV. Other times they would only come if they needed a babysitter. No one cared where I was or how I was.

They’re still fighting. It’s been over an hour. My dad wants money. He wants my mother to pay for the house and electricity. He speaks as though she owes him for everything he’s done for the family. She owes him? Hah. He’s lucky any of us still speak to him. We only do so because of her. I wish I could do something but I can’t get involved. I know it’ll only make things worse. He accused her of cheating. Another hah. He’s drunk. I continue to listen in case it gets violent. It hasn’t in years but I fear that it will. I’m scared for my mother. I’m tired of this life.

I’m 26 living my 13 year old hell. When does life begin?

Dark Confessions

I was in a car accident a few weeks ago. I was on my way home from a concert and the driver next to me slide into my lane. I swerved to avoid getting hit and went head on into a concrete barrier. The driver kept going. According to the ER, I had a scaphoid fracture, dislocated shoulder, rib and chest contusions. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I barely felt any of it. Heavy meds for a few days. Lots of sleeping.

The first thing everyone asked was, was I drunk? No. It’s hard for people to believe I didn’t cause this accident despite having a perfect record and never being in trouble with the law. I’ve always been responsible. But why would everyone ask that? Is that what everyone thinks of me? They think I’m some party girl enjoying life. They see I’m still happy and smile even after everything. They say I’m lucky it wasn’t worse. The truth is, I wish it was.

I’ve thought about the accident many times since it happened. And how it didn’t really affect me. I got out of the car in shock. Explained what happened. And don’t have fears of driving or anything. But I wish I did. I wish the accident had sparked something in me. The truth is, I wish the accident killed me, or at least caused some serious injury. I don’t say that because I want to be dramatic and I wish people paid attention to me. I say that because I’m running out of reasons anymore. It’s hard. The older I get, the harder life is getting. My best friend died. I got divorced. My family fell apart. I was abused. I moved back home. And recently lost my job. I had never been seriously injured or in a car accident in my life. Everything that had been happening in the past 2 years added up in that moment. I had such a good day before it happened. I wish it would’ve ended then. I wish I ended on that happy note.

It sounds so selfish, yeah. I know a lot of people would miss me. My parents would be heartbroken. Real friends would cry. But guess what? I’ve been doing selfless acts my whole life and I feel as though no one cares. Who is there for me? I mean really there for me? I don’t want to go out and drink every weekend. I don’t want to hear about you and your boyfriend and how happy you are. I still haven’t stopped and cried to anyone. Not even to the fucking therapist I was seeing because everyone says this is not me. I’m a happy person and they don’t want to see me sad. Like always, I have to do everything for everyone else. I want to cry. I want to let it all out and I want someone to understand how much I am struggling every day. SOMEONE. Not everyone.  I hate showing weakness. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m broken but I can’t hold it in anymore. Everyone has that one person that knows their secrets and struggles. The one person they can rely on when they need them. I don’t have anyone I trust enough with my tears. I have myself. And to carry my own burden alone is so heavy. I want to give up.

Some days I wake up with the energy to climb this mountain and know one day I’ll make it to the other side. Others, especially when I drive past the site of my accident (which is often because my friends still insist I be the designated driver everywhere), I think of throwing it all down and giving up. WHY must I be doing this alone? Why won’t ANYONE in this world offer me a helping hand? What have a done to be so neglected?

I sit and listen to friends vent to me about their problems. I give them sound advice and positive feedback. I tell them everything will be ok and at times, quote the bible. I give them hope. And despite the fact that I do believe in God and know things will eventually be ok, I need someone to tell me. People think I’m strong and I don’t need it. I do. No one ever asks me to be honest. No one ever asks me what’s wrong. No one wants to hear my story. So I sit, and I listen. And I help them. Holding back my own thoughts and despair. I put aside my pain to prevent another from suffering. I smile. I laugh. I crack a joke to stop from crying. This is not the life I dreamed. This is not the life I wanted. But it’s the one I have. It’s the one I’m left with. And it’s the one I’m going to continue living until the day I can’t live anymore.